I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
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I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
This is a true ally.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
mom gave me mine for free
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Morning.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
She was rare, like a goth jogging
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works