Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Oops I deleted….
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I drew y’all a little something.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
LOL
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.