Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
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Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf