I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
This fish is cracking me up
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.