Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
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I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow