[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.