Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
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Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.