wtf management?!
You Might Also Like
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Feels like there should be a middle ground
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Me :
All Day At Night
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.