Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
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I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
let’s discuss
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Gross if literal…Liverpool
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”