Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
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When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu