Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
You Might Also Like
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”