If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
You Might Also Like
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
can鈥檛 help feeling like there鈥檚 already a name for this
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I鈥檓 going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 馃槈
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
me: they鈥檙e all so cute but i don鈥檛 know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.