Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me: