[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
You Might Also Like
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
mumsnet is amazing
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!