Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
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*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I need to update my racial profile.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?