Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
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I really had high hopes for this year though
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
She: I like Cats
He:
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
#parenting
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.