How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.