I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
we’re dead?
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese