Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol