Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
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You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Happens to everyone.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.