You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
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her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
The USS B port