The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you