[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
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What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady