Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
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How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
.. do you even science?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.