Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Velcrow
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
me after eating Cheetos
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I’m not proud
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”