A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
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how to have fun when you’re poor
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Oh my god
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.