Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.