if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Yeah. This was me today.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.