If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
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Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
very niche meme I made
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Traveler’s camo
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I think I’m having a stroke
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified