Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
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If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.