Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
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“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo