Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?