People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.