accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno