*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
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People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
me before I type out affect or effect
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!