My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
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YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions