Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Camping tip: No.