*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act