[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
You Might Also Like
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.