I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
You Might Also Like
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.