My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
found my next D&D character name
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
TODAY
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?