I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
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You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Aw man, but that’s the best part
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush