Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.