HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
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Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!