do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
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today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
This took me a second..
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.