Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”