[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
You Might Also Like
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.