Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
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When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
How about daylight saves us for once
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.