Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?
mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Best spot.. 😅
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Two types of dogs.