Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
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ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters